Stressful week. One big meal a day (resturant). A cup of caffeine (green tea) in the morning with some oatmeal. Bowl of special K. Water. Lots of things to do at work - it's like having two jobs: my regular job and working for someone else and still only having the same amount of time to get both jobs done. I'm exhausted. Can't think at night in home. Too tired to cook.

Not doing exercises more than a token stretch at night (to prevent leg cramps)and in the morning (so I can walk). Taking muscle relaxer to stave off pain and discomfort. There is a gap between knowledge and action. Still taking my NSAID for my hand.

( Anti-inflammation supplements )

I have 5/6 symptoms of metabolic syndrome (everything but elevated fasting glucose levels). Yay me. Really. See Doc on the 12th for results of tests and x-rays.

( Working weekend )

I'm going to have to pay for a service to come over and tidy up my yard, landscape and garden. I just don't have time to do it as well as crimping my back with heavy lifting. I hate paying the money to a service, but it seems the only option.

Must to bed. G'night.

finding a way to be happy
preferring drug induced calmness
to chaotic memory

Re-organized (8 Oct 08)

preferring chaotic memory
to drug induced calmness
finding a way to be happy

I've been reading Wendell Berry's works including his essays, poems, and scathing condemnation of the USDA's policies. I went looking for more recent pieces and found a May 2008 article in Harper's on Limitless Consumerism. Sobering.

I had a good day defending my projects but feel like crap. Being in pain clouds my mind. I had to go to work for a heap big important meeting and it took every scrap of self-control I had not to chastise my colleagues as they tried to nibble on my piece of pie for the next five years. Hmph. My back is killing me. I've taken my muscle relaxer/anti-inflammatory when I got home but I feel so crappy and my back is forking^* that I'm going to drink a big glass of water and take diazapem and vicodin and go to sleep. Good night.

^* It feels like someone is sticking a fork into my hip.

I witnessed my basement flooding after 9 inches of rain. The carpet area was destroyed. The tile survived. The sump pump functioned but was overwhelmed. The water was clear with only a little sediment. There was dirty water in the toilet and the tub in the basement. It quickly dried on the tile surfaces after the rain stopped and the ground started to dry up. The carpet and padding were ruined. I called the professionals first thing on Monday morning and they hadn't arrived by Tuesday night. I was concerned with standing water and the growth of mold and mildew and the eventual collateral damage to the drywall. My basement is finished and beautiful. It has been a busy time with all the rain; for example, Lowe's was sold out of dehumdifiers, wet/dry vac and sump pumps. M&M volunteered to help with recovery efforts. Friend Greg also came over after I called him to ask for help. After much discussion, I decided to remove the carpet (approximately 1 1/2 rooms worth of beautiful less than 5 year old berber carpet). The men started in with box cutters. The carpet was soaked and the padding ruined. There was some mold/mildew on the wooden tacks(?). We put all the dripping wet carpet out by the side of the house in about 3 hours. We sucked up the pools of water with the wet/dry vac and used towels to make dams to protect the wood joists from more water damage. The men did all the hauling - my back was killing me. I ate two vicodin during that hour as I tried to help. The basement windows are open. I have two box fans and a dehumidifier going as well as the whole house fan to move air through the basement. I have many calls to make tomorrow - an inspector for the basement to determine where the water came from, roto-rooter to evaluate the sewer line, basement "de-waterers" to get some advice and estimates, a contractor to lay new tile. I might even call the contractor to get estimates for the new furnace/air conditioner, the upgraded electrical, the roof and the unfinished bathroom from hell. If I'm going to open my wallet or get a loan, I should perhaps try to have things down that need to be done eventually. I guess the drug cocktail for my muscles spasms have broken down some of my internal resistance to investing money into the house.

Note to self: If I had gone to Florida as planned on Sunday morning, I would have missed the onset of the flood and come home to a molded ruined basement after a week of moisture in a closed up house. The damage would have been many times worse. The universe works in mysterious ways.

I am thankful for:
friends I can count on
effective medication
ground fault interupter (GFI) outlets
helpful people at the hardware store
universal energy aligning to provide what I need

I was crying earlier because of a few things:
1) loss of control in my life
2) not fulfilling my commitments
3) disappointing all those people waiting to hear me speak this week
4) the thought of talking to my hosts while under the influence of drugs
5) feeling sorry for myself
6) blaming myself for the back spasms
7) the mood altering effects of the drug cocktail

I hadn't actually called to cancel anything because I kept thinking, incorrectly, that a miracle would occur and my back would be okay. I can barely get up off the bed without straining and pain. I know it was unrealistic to think I could still tour.

So...universal energy aligns, the goddess reaches out to lay her hand upon my head and my will sets actions into motion:

My friends M&M who heard from Brother T that I was down stopped by this evening with some homemade chicken soup. Mike proceeded to call all the hotels to cancel for me. He told me to get online and email everyone with a promise to follow up by cell phone on Monday morning. I also called the travel agency to cancel the air and car and allow credit to be possible.

Now it's official. I am not getting on a plane tomorrow morning at 6 am. I am not lecturing at 5 different universities. I am not enjoying the Florida sunshine. I am not visiting friends. I do not pass GO and collect $200.

I am resigned. Not yet at peace with the situation.

Thursday I bent over to put my lunch in the fridge and *twinge* so I took the normal precautions - lay down, stretch, yoga, relax. No relief. I went home from work to lie in bed and relax. All crunched up. 1000 mg of ibuprofen. *jerk* *jerk* Lower back charley horse. Extreme pain. No radiant or referral pain in legs. Went to emergency room at 7 am Friday. This was an 8 on the scale of 10, 10 being two years ago when I first had major "cascading muscle failure" and was off work for 6 weeks. At least this time, I could get myself out of bed with suitable groaning and *ahem* relieve myself #1 and #2 (sorry, TMI, but those who suffer from lower back pain will understand). What a difference in standard of care from last time! Two years ago, I came in an ambulance and suffered for 3-4 hours with shots and still had pain/cramping when I finally left at the end of the day (12 hours later). This time, my brother drove me, and within 30 minutes I had an IV and immediate relief. 3 hours later after x-rays and another dose of muscle relaxant & pain killer, I was home in bed. I'm still incredibly cramped up when I stand or sit for any length of time.

The kicker? I'm supposed to go on lecture circuit - 4 hour flight and then 4-5 hours of driving every day for a week. - on Sunday. Hope springs eternal.

destiny controlled by will
power injected into the universe
living in untold manifested dreams
ordained for the gods
in torturous success
it's all too much
for the partitioned soul
searching now
for a simple spell
to bring oblivion

I have no idea what I am going to do today.

After a trip, the house smells unpleasantly from being closed up. It's not musty-dusty basement smell but it makes me wrinkle my nose. I have the windows in the basement open and the whole house fan going to bring fresh air to the basement. I made a rosemary infusion and mopped down the tile floor in the basement. I'll change the furnace filter as well. I'll also wipe down the refridgerator interior with a bit of vinegar.

The neighborhood garage sale is September 6. I've been waiting over a year to be home during the weekend of the sale. I have started to move all the garage sale clutter out of the basement. I'll go through each of the closets to get everything possible out.

I'm rededicating the sun room. It's been a long time since I've refocused and used the room for its intended purpose.

I am reading the essays by Wendell Berry from whom Michael Pollan based his books. Considering myself a scholar, I prefer source material not derivations. I've finished Pollan's In Defense of Food and Omnivore's Dilemma. It reaffirms my nutritional choices to eat a mostly plant based diet, from my garden or local, and grass-fed, free-range, pastured animals when I do choose meat or animal products.

I have a big week planned in the garden as I make it ready for the fall plantings including composting. I still want to make a tumbler rather than use the pyramids. If I can get organized enough, I would be able to offer the pyramids at the neighborhood sale in 2 weeks.

I am fat girl again. I yo-yo up and down 20 pounds. I experience the joint aches and pains (feet, knees, lower back) from carrying so much weight. The doctor recommends I lose at least 50 pounds (if not 70 total) and offers me pills but a pill will not give me the desire to go to the gym. A pill will not keep me from going out for a great meal and wine with my friends. A pill will not prevent me from sitting on my ass all day at work. A pill will not curb my alcohol consumption or meat consumption while I travel. A pill will not give me desire to change my habits. It seems inconceivable to me since I consider my lifestyle to be healthy: I hike. I eat fruits and veggies. I do not eat fast food. I do not drink soda pop. My sugar consumption is low. STOP!!!!

HAMMER TIME!

BREATHE!

They came back and did it again on the other tree and stomped on the lilies. The branches fell into the garden and knocked the tomatoes down. They chipped the stone pagoda several times.

They did not put anything back together or even put the downspouts back.

I am ticked.

Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.

I called again. I will write a letter and send an email.

She had everything to live for and nothing to die for so she refused to play in some sort of contrived symphony designed not for humanity but for the amusement of the gods in a stone temple carved from barren rock to house some dismal eternity in which fake luminosity emanated in imminent fury while the wind whipped through the empty corridors to scatter dust and ash from the fire that burned in her heart so frozen so dead that the wolf howl echoed in abandoned fury pliant under the full moon set up in the night sky in curved antiquity set in a cycle that slowly lengthens every second and provides some small measure of certainty in an uncertain world where people pretend that something anything matters and that god is not dead at least until she gets what she wants or most desires even if she doesn't know what it is or can't share the consequence of her desire because it is just too much although flowers still bloom and the small butterfly wafts and wings its way over the fence not knowing what is on the other side but some dreary flower drooping from thirst and being so dependent on the earth for sustenance while the grit settles in copper urns filled with the remnants of some historical farce written by victors and not the victims in some baleful comedy that goes on and on and on as the sun rises yet again moving across the sky in a golden arc of misery and seduction as trees rise up to greet the energy resisting the pull of gravity as she lays by the crown weighing so heavily and so irresponsibly on those that do not deserve it do any of us deserve it she wonders but why not she deserves some happiness even if it is manufactured by those who see everything as a commodity everything striking down with awe as she escapes escapes into a secure fantasy world constructed just for her just for her just for her

I'm caught up in the AA cancellations and stranded in NOLA. My peeps are working to get me home - and I do want to come home. N'awlins is a beautiful city with wonderful peoples, but I want to come home. My Wed flight was cancelled and I was rescheduled to Friday. I asked about multiple hops on smaller planes but no go. I may rent a car if any are available. There is no garantee that I will fly on Friday. At least I was able to snag my hotel for a couple extra nights. For a moment there, it looked like I would be sleeping in a box on Canal St.

edit (10:00 am): They've cancelled my Friday flights. My choices are taking amtrak arriving PIA Friday night or renting a car and driving through the storms and getting home late tonight. It's been years since I took a road trip!

edit (10:30 am): Rented a car to drive home with probably ETA around 1 am unless I stop in Memphis for some sleep. On a side note, most evenings I looked for alobar on Jackson Square, but was unsuccessful.

Yoinked from southernpm

How to abandon your God...

by Mark Morford
San Francisco Chronicle

( Institutionalized Religion is Full of Fail )

original link: http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/gate/a/2008/03/05/notes030508.DTL

Well, I'm dealing with the "OMG, let's live in a cave, weave grass skirts, eat grubs and lick moss off the rocks" versus "OMFG, I'm such a consumer whore!" in my lifestyle choices. My thoughts and emotions go round and round.

I have to be perfect.

My actions, thoughts, and emotions always need to be consistent with each other.

My weight (body shape) is making me unhappy.

The house must be clean and organized all the time.

My office must be clean and organized all the time.

My life must be clean and organized all the time.

Human beings are, by nature, essentially evil.

Human beings are, by nature, essentially good.

I can solve any problem given enough time and effort.

I've been struggling lately with a return to a workaholic routine. I love my job. I love what I do. I love the application of knowledge. In some small way, I change the world with every manuscript I publish. I change the world when I share with students my experiences and passion for science. However, when I lose myself in the work, I forget to eat right and exercise. I spend all my time at work and eat a candy bar and down pots of coffee. I feel great - temporarily. I am aware enough of my own being that this lifestyle is not sustainable however glorifying it is right now. The key in the next few weeks is to find a balance point where I can express myself: mind - body - spirit.

It's possible, isn't it?